To be honest, I really don’t know why I stayed this long. Maybe it’s because I want to believe you can change, maybe it’s because I refuse to believe that you managed to change me this much. I refuse to accept that I let you ruin everything I worked so hard for. But you did.
How could I let you do this to me? You forced me to guard myself from you and from the rest of the world. I was never afraid of being hurt, I was never afraid of being heartbroken. I loved and I was loved.
But with you came fear of being broken and all those walls your silence built around me. You shut me out so much that I had to build them in order to not get hurt.
But that’s not how love works. That’s not how a relationship works. I’m not supposed to build walls, I’m supposed to bring them down.
But how could I? With my insecurities you brought to the surface and the walls you had, how was I supposed to remain sane?
And all those questions that remained unanswered? And all those times you shut me out and left me standing at the edge of our relationship?
All those times I was just a bystander when I was supposed to be equal to you.
We weren’t like this at the beginning. I sure as hell wasn’t like this. I wasn’t this scared, broken little girl who was trying to earn her man’s love. I was strong, I was fierce and I deserved more than to be half loved.
I was much more than just your girlfriend and I miss that old me. I miss that old me who was never afraid, the old me who never ran away from love, but somehow you managed to break me while ‘loving’ me. I’m sorry darling, but that’s not love.
All that silence you gave drowned me and I never learned to swim in oceans of your love. I guess that was the only thing I did right with you. That, and leaving you.
Because, you see, I refuse to be like every other ex of yours. I refuse to be your perfect woman if it means losing myself. I refuse to be your little toy if that means you’ll be playing with my emotions.
I’m done running away from myself. I’m done with looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing the person I see. I deserve to be more than broken parts of my old self.
I deserve that kind of love which will make me feel warm, not burn me inside. I deserve that kind of love that makes me whole, not breaks me. I deserve that kind of love that gives me wings, not drowns me.
Do you have any idea how long it has been since I smiled last? Do you have any idea how long it has been since the last time I was truly happy? Of course you don’t.
And I can’t do this anymore. I love you, I do. And I know that, in your own way, you love me too. But I won’t be with you at any cost. I won’t be with you like this.
I can’t let you change everything that makes me me. I refuse to change for someone who doesn’t even see how much this hurts. I refuse to change for you, because you never changed for me.