For the longest time, I was convinced that my previous relationship failed because my ex and I had different love languages.
You see, love languages are a big deal in each romantic relationship. I’m sure you know them all: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.
To cut a long story short, after a lot of analyzing, I realized that his love language was physical touch.
This man had no verbal expressions of love at all. In fact, the only way he was capable of showing affection was with the help of intimate touch.
What’s wrong with that? Well, for an insecure girl like me, this brings a bunch of doubts to the table.
Is this man only using me? Is his only goal to get into my pants? How come he never tells me he loves me?
These were all the questions running through my head. Before I was even familiar with the concept of love languages, these questions were eating me alive.
You see, I wasn’t aware of the fact that different people express love in different ways. So, I spent most of my relationship feeling emotionally neglected and questioning my ex’s feelings.
All the experts out there teach the importance of knowing your significant other’s love language. This precious information gives you incredible insight into his entire personality.
Not only that: it also gives you a chance for healthier communication. When you are familiar with a man’s love language, you immediately open the doors to his heart and mind.
You learn ways to approach them and meet their emotional needs.
Even though I’m not saying that the theory of the five love languages isn’t as important as the experts are saying, but there is another thing you must pay attention to if you want a healthy relationship and a happy love life.
I’m talking about your partner’s deeply rooted traumas and triggers. I’m talking about his heartbreaks and mental health conditions.
I’m talking about his emotional wounds that later turned into scars.
Why did he become the person he is today? What turned him into this emotionally broken man who is unable to say three simple words?
Naturally, it goes both ways – or at least, it should. You can’t love a woman who’s been through hell and back the same way you’d love a girl who’s never experienced the pain of heartbreak.
As a mature man, you have to be brave enough to dig under her layers and find what’s hidden deep inside of her.
It doesn’t matter if your partner was in an abusive relationship, wasted years on a narcissistic manipulator, or can’t get over a painful childhood – they are a trauma survivor.
They are struggling with issues you know nothing about, and it’s your job to help them along the way.
And when you love a trauma survivor – you have to make your relationship feel like home for them. You have to shower them with love and security.
This is what they need, even though they’ll probably never ask for it. Trust me: only when you do this will you be truly bonded with each other.
Only when you see each other’s vulnerabilities exposed will you be sure that you’ve gained your partner’s trust, despite everything they’ve been through in the past.
Don’t get me wrong: it’s not your responsibility to fix people. You’re not a rehabilitation center for damaged men.
So, if you don’t want to deal with someone’s traumas and triggers, that’s perfectly okay. Just be honest with yourself and him and walk away in time before they get used to your presence.
But when you genuinely decide to welcome another person into your life, whether you like it or not, they come with emotional baggage. They won’t bring only laughter and happiness along.
When you love someone, you also have to love the traumatized child in them. You’re there to help them heal their old wounds, even those they think they’ve forgotten about.
When you love someone, you have to accept their demons, as well.
You have to embrace their darkness and help them see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that’s the most important love language of them all.